Through fear and uncertainty, I will follow you, God.

Picture this: It’s December 2020 and I’m home for a month and a half because every world racer suddenly has covid. Yikes. In the midst of this strange yet sweet season, I start to think, “Hey, I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m gonna be doing stuff with Adventures in Missions a little longer than just for my gap year mission trip.” I prayed about it, did some research into what I would even be able to do with them, and I was  determined that I was going to help lead a short trip over the summer. It’s only a couple of weeks so I don’t actually have to commit to very much. That had to be it because the only other thing I could come up with was to commit 3 months of my life to alumni team lead a group of men my age in the exact program I was currently in, World Race Gap Year. Too scary, moving on. 

Fast forward a month or so and I get fully funded!! WOOHOO!! I walked away from the coffee shop where I learned I was fully funded and began screaming, dancing, and praising the Lord. I was overwhelmed by the provision and kindness of our Lord. I went home and exclaimed this exciting news to anyone who would listen. Later on in the evening, when I decided to actually take time to sit and thank our Father for His generosity and provision, I was flooded with this feeling of it’s not over yet. “What’s not over yet” I prayed. “What does this mean?” I kept questioning. And then I was brought back to this internal battle I had in December of me telling God I won’t alumni team lead because it’s too much commitment and I’m too underprepared, but I’ll do the short trip in the summer. And then I had this overwhelming feeling. I knew the feeling all too well because it’s the same feeling I had when I quit the World Race in June of 2020 when they said we’d be going to Gainesville, GA for 3 months, instead of Romania. I felt like vomiting, the morning after I told them I quit the Race, because I knew I had just done the wrong thing. Thankfully I quickly understood I made the wrong choice and begged them to take me back (which they clearly did). But now it’s 7 months later and I don’t understand why, but I’m feeling this sickening feeling again. “God, what is going on? What do I need to do?” I knew right then that if I chose to just lead that summer trip I would be choosing the easy way out. I knew that I had to embrace where I was truly feeling led, even if it was confusing and I seemed unequipped. I remember praying and having so much peace, yet deciding to think about it a little while longer. 

After 3 months I finally decided to lay my fears of making mistakes in leadership, not being wise enough, not being well enough equipped, and the fear of “what if people on my new team don’t like me” at the feet of the Father. And He was faithful to guide me and give me grace. He taught me what faith looks like, and that logic and reason are not what I need to be basing my life decisions on. He taught me that when it’s terrifying and I feel unequipped, that THAT is where I’ll give Him the most room to provide and take over. I really learned in those moments how often we allow fear to be the one controlling our lives instead of faith. I realized then that when I’m only saying yes to what feels safe and comfortable, I’m really just choosing to have fear of the unknowns guide my life. God forbid! But yeah pretty much the point I’m trying to get to here is that I’M ALUMNI TEAM LEADING THIS FALL! And most people reading this probably have 0 clue what that even means. Basically, I get to walk alongside a team of men going on World Race Gap Year and depend on God to use me as a leader and a friend to help point these awesome guys to the Father in whatever comes up! I’ll get to partner with God in facilitating a time of growth and servitude in Christ, with God-given strength! With joy in all we do! I will be with my squad in Gainesville, Georgia for roughly 2 months, and in Guatemala for a month! My hope is for God to walk me through leading out of the joy of the Lord, and not my own weak “strength”. For full dependence and reliance on Holy Spirit in even the smallest of things! This awesome opportunity is going to cost $3,000, so if you feel led to give in any way I would really appreciate it! 

“Then he said to them, “Go your way. Eat the fat and drink sweet wine and send portions to anyone who has nothing ready, for this day is holy to our Lord. And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10